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Time Warner Cable – Elevator Music (feat. Kevin Nealon)

1) I have no idea why this is called “Elevator Music.” Time Warner already had a commercial based on this, and it was a thousand times better than this heap of trash.

2) Time Warner is still not a company anymore.

3) This whole thing built on a bed of fucking lies.

No built in price increases? Do you mind if I fact check this? And by fact check, I mean go to your website and look at prices as though I’m a new customer? Hang on, give me a second….

Hey that price looks pretty okay. But wait, why is “months” notated?

Uh, what exactly are these retail rates that are definitely higher than these advertised rates and appears built in to the price? Let me check the terms and conditions at the bottom for details…

What the fucking fuck you non-existent pieces of shit? Somehow, you continue to be the absolute fucking worst even while not existing.

REDD’S Apple Ale – Domino Effect

What sporting event is this? Why was no one cheering for the other team allowed in? Why did that guy ask “what beer?” when he clearly only had REDD’s Apple Ale on him? The answers to none of these questions and more after you re-watch this commercial a hundred times.

It’s hard to decide which of these people is worse off mentally. One knows he wants a beer, but has no idea what he wants. The other is selling only one beer, but still acts as though he’s walking around with a fully loaded cooler. Let’s start with the pusher man. He’s being blatantly and overtly deceptive by advertising his wares as “Beer here!” He has one option, that is barely beer, and he still leads these easily confused lemmings towards an unexpected fork in the road. Only it’s not a fork, it’s a path towards a REDD’s Apple Ale and a field of poison ivy. I guess that is a tough choice.

Also, why do these people only realize they want a REDD’s Apple Ale after being hit in the head? Are they just wishing for the head hunting to stop? Should they really be drinking alcohol when they may have just been concussed by flying fruit? Probably not, but this salesman doesn’t care. He knows exactly what he’s doing. Just look at the reaction speed when an apple comes barreling towards him. He’s in cahoots with whoever is chucking apples, and he won’t stop till everyone is concussed and drunk.

Axe – Double Jacket Jimmy

Okay, so this commercial isn’t that bad. I guess. When you consider other things Axe has done in the past. It might actually even be good.

I say this despite that date-rapey smile he drops in the first few seconds. Despite the fact that I’m pretty sure he put a jacket on a dog. Which should be a crime. Despite the fact that he carries around a stick of Axe in one of his minimum FOUR inside pockets.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT SCENE WHERE HE’S CARRYING A BOX OF THINGS!?

Was he fired? What was his job? Did someone start wearing three jackets and become an even better spokesperson for Axe? This scene has confounded me for weeks. I’ve watched this ad countless times trying to figure it out. And I can’t. I have no fucking clue what’s going on. And the items in the box are no help. Some highlighters? An abacus? A framed closeup of a jack-o-lantern, I think?

Look, Axe. I’ll make you a deal. You tell me what the hell is going on and I might buy your product. On second thought, probably not.