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Geico – Fish: Little Advice

Okay, I know. Geico is an easy target. An incredibly easy target.

But, having seen this commercial roughly eleven-thousand times in the last week, I couldn’t just let it slide. First of all, what the fuck is wrong with this guys mouth? Look at the way he chews. It’s disgusting, and yet mesmerizing. I can’t look away. Please stop. Looking at mouths is gross. Other people eating is gross. Why would you ever put this on the air?

Second, he’s clearly developed a pattern. How many times do you have to do something for someone to say you do it “every day?” A week? Two? Someone stop him. The microwave is clearly very accessible, since this office doesn’t have a kitchen. Take it out back and destroy it, Office Space style. Or they could just unplug it. Or put some metal in it. There are literally endless ways to stop this madness.

And finally, why is no one checking on that woman who fainted? It’s her first day, I guess. Which means, she could have passed out for totally unrelated reasons. YOU DON’T KNOW HER, SHE COULD HAVE FATAL FISH SMELL ALLERGIES. The smell doesn’t appear to bother the woman sitting RIGHT IN FRONT of the god damn fish, so there is clearly something else very wrong with that poor woman. This office is full of shitty people. And honestly, aside from his awful chewing, the guy stinking up the place with his microwave fish might just be the least shitty.

Schick Xtreme 3 – Interview

Hey everyone, the White Supremacist Factory is hiring!

What the fuck is going on here? First of all, is this a job interview or an opportunity to join a group suicide? Are those the former leaders of this cult? Will I get to meet them when I get to Xenu 7?

Let’s break this down: Aside from breaking Equal Opportunity Employment laws by apparently only interview white dudes, this company also only hires bald white dudes. Talk about the top half of the 1%. But that’s not even the biggest problem with this shit ad.

Moving past the fact that this office building sells razors, magazines, and NOTHING ELSE in its lobby, how long are we supposed to believe it took him to shave his face and head with a non-electric razor? When I use an electric razor on my face it takes me at least ten minutes and my face isn’t even clean shaven. I also leave a tremendous mess. Did he clean up after himself, or leave that to the lowly janitor (who is DEFINITELY a Hispanic stereotype)?

He apparently has enough time to do all of this, without missing his interview. Of course, I’m assuming this is an interview. It’s just as likely that the old man holding court is simply looking for a fresh young bald man to absorb his youth and continue living forever. Maybe it’s for the best this isn’t a EOE company.

Chevy – Emojis

Today I’m going to show you a shitty ad campaign that has gone on way past it’s expiration date. But here’s the catch: You can only respond using emojis. Because I’m trying to force a narrative that I’m fun and hip, while also gleaning no useful information about the quality of my product from this panel of people I’m paying for.

Oh no, wait. That’s what Chevy is doing.

Look, focus groups are stupid and useless. As Jordan McDeere once told us, these things have a fantastic history of success at failing to predict success. Searching for “focus groups failures” bring us nearly two millions results. And many of these thinkpieces actually pre-date internet thinkpieces, going back to the early 2000s. This has been the opinion of places like Bloomberg, for at least a decade, and yet here comes Chevy to prove them wrong.

The most common complaint about focus groups is that the opinions they get aren’t honest. And why would they be? You bring people in, give them food or water or money for their time. How could they say anything but nice things? And that’s before you limit their responses to emojis. But then you don’t even limit their responses. They follow up their emoji response by explaining why they chose it. You’re undercutting your whole premise less than 10 seconds after you announced it!

And these statements you’re making, of course they’re going to garner positive responses. You’re not asking them to rate how the car actually works, or if these features stand the test of time. If you told me a new toaster had built in 4G LTE WiFi, I’d send you the emoji of me handing you a bunch of money. But what about the first time that WiFi fails to work as advertised? Or when I find out you failed to tell me about the cost of having said WiFi? Or that you have a history of lying about the MPG of my new toaster? Then I’m sending you a shit emoji.