WhoRangtheBell.com

Category: Living the Dream

Total 26 Posts

Conan’s Celebrity Survey

ConanCelebritySurvey

Conan has a recurring desk bit called “Celebrity Survey.” The premise is Conan asks three celebrities to complete a phrase.

“My favorite Ben & Jerry’s flavor is…”
…Ty Burrell wrote Chunky Monkey.
…Eva Mendes wrote Salted Caramel.
…Ryan Seacrest wrote Ben.

“I learned the heimlich maneuver because…”
…Kate Bosworth wrote incase it’s needed.
…James Spader wrote it’s a good skill to have.
…Eli Manning wrote I’m tired of seeing my brother choke.

“I went to prom with…”
…Amy Adams wrote my first love.
…Tina Fey wrote a group of friends.
…Larry King wrote a brontosaurus.

“I use Tinder because…”
…Liam Hemsworth wrote I can date anonymously.
…Miles Teller wrote it makes dating easier with my busy schedule.
…Chris Brown wrote I like to take swipes at women.

“I get most of my exercise from…”
…Angelina Jolie wrote chasing after my toddlers.
…Taylor Swift wrote hot yoga.
…Chris Christie wrote what’s exercise?

“I need that like I need a…”
…Jessica Para wrote hole in the head.
…Tyne Daly wrote hole in the head.
…Abraham Lincoln wrote I am unfamiliar with that phrase.

“Instagram is…”
…Taylor Swift wrote a place to share moments.
…Josh Hutchinson wrote a great way to connect with fans.
…Charlie Sheen wrote my coke dealer on speed dial.

“My New Years resolution is…”
…Jason Bateman wrote quit coffee.
…Josh Gad wrote run every morning.
…Mitt Romney wrote lose another presidential election.

“I take care of my skin with…”
…Jennifer Lawrence wrote moisturizer.
…Kate Hudson wrote exfoliating scrub.
…Nancy Grace wrote the blood of a first-born.

“I wish I had more…”
…Brad Pitt wrote time
…Justin Bieber wrote money
…Donald Trump wrote Trump.

“When I’m having trouble sleeping I…”
…Patricia Heaton wrote take an Ambien.
…George Stephanopoulos wrote read emails.
…Andy Richter wrote watch Conan.

“My favorite Disney ride is…”
…Ray Rice wrote Tower of Terror.
…Janey Rice wrote Tower of Terror.
…Roger Goodell wrote I’ve never seen it.

“I’m terrified that America will face a crippling shortage of…”
…Secretary of Interior Sally Jewell wrote clean water.
…Vice President Joe Biden wrote an educated workforce.
…Former President Bill Clinton wrote dick pics.

“I wouldn’t be who I am today without…”
…Steve Carell wrote my mom’s sense of humor.
…Bradley Cooper wrote my college degree.
…Gary Busey wrote the tiny aliens who rent out my ear canal for the weekends.

“My favorite thing to do in the summer is…”
…Jerry Lewis wrote take long walks.
…Kristen Stewart wrote read on the back porch.
…Guy Fieri wrote ruin barbecues.

“I celebrate winning a big game by…”
…Tom Brady wrote congratulating my coach.
…Drew Brees wrote hugging my family.
…Peyton Manning wrote shutting off my PlayStation.

“I won my High School yearbook superlative for…”
…Jack Black wrote class clown.
…Channing Tatum wrote most athletic.
…Larry King wrote most likely to survive the Ice Age.

“My hidden talent is…”
…Mindy Kaling wrote I can roll my tongue.
…Julie Bowen wrote I can juggle.
…Kim Kardashian wrote what’s talent?

“I feel most creative when…”
…Jack White wrote performing on stage.
…Louis C.K. wrote I’m riffing with my friends.
…Taylor Swift wrote getting dumped.

“I’ll never forget where I was when…”
…John McCain wrote when Kennedy was shot.
…Rudy Giuliani wrote the World Trade Center Towers fell.
…George Bush wrote I found out who ran away with the spoon.

“I wish I could see…”
…Brad Pitt wrote more of the world.
…Benedict Cumberbatch wrote my friend more often.
…Chris Christie wrote my feet.

“To punish my kids when they’re bad, I…”
…Tom Hanks wrote make them clean the garage.
…Vince Vaughn wrote take away their electronics.
…Kris Jenner wrote threaten to release their sex tape.

“In my free time, I like to…”
…Jake Gyllenhaal wrote go to the movies.
…Chris Evans wrote go to a museum.
…Bill Cosby wrote bartend.

“America’s greatest enemy is…”
…Michelle Obama wrote obesity.
…John Kerry wrote terrorists.
…Nic Cage wrote my IMDB page.

“I got my nickname from…”
…Superman wrote my superhuman strength.
…Iron Man wrote my suit is made of metal.
…The Flash wrote it was my first time, it happens to a lot of guys.

The Wolf Of Wall Street

Let me tell you something. There's no nobility in poverty. I've been a poor man, and I've been a rich man. And I choose rich every fucking time.
Let me tell you something. There’s no nobility in poverty. I’ve been a poor man, and I’ve been a rich man. And I choose rich every fucking time.

I have been wanting to dabble in the stock market for awhile now. Not entirely sure how to go about it, I found a user friendly entry point with the website Motif.com. Motif allows you to build your own Exchange-Traded Funds (ETF).  I invested a decent amount on a couple of Motif.com created ETF’s. But for my own ego, I need to see if I could pick and build my own ETF’s and invest in them. So I built “The Wolf Of Wall Street”. I picked companies that I know and care about. Weighted it how I felt it would perfomr best and dumped some money into. After a few months and some modest gains, I cashed out. I came out on top and that’s all that matters. Rule No. 1 : Never lose money. I took my gains and have reinvested in other Motifs. My tolerance of risk is rather high right now since I feel as I have some time to recover before I need the cash back. I have embedded the motif below for you to check out.

You can buy this ETF if you so desire, I even get a kickback if you do, but be careful… The first rule is a bit different if you listen to Mark Hanna, Matthew McConaughey’s Character in The Wolf Of Wall Street. “OK, first rule of Wall Street – Nobody – and I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffet or Jimmy Buffet – nobody knows if a stock’s going up, down or f-ing sideways, least of all stockbrokers. But we have to pretend we know.” Basically, past performance does not guarantee future success, invest at your own risk.

Candance Gosch Is A Cunt

Candance Gosch is a cunt
Candance Gosch, or Candy as she is sometimes know, is a cunt.

Cunt [kuhnt]: noun Slang: Vulgar. A contemptuous term used to refer to a woman. Or a term used to refer to a contemptible person.

For libel sake, here is my soundproof argument as to why Candance Gosch is cunt-emptible. I was hired by Stage 1901 as a Security PA in May of 2011. I worked there for nearly two months, amassing over 1200$ in wages and only received a fraction of that pay. I ultimately brought her to the Labor Board where the case fell through by a legal loophole of not showing up to court. Seriously, thats all you have to do is not show up and you can screw anyone out of wages. Cunt, Candance Gosch, is the reason Hollywood gets a bad rep for using and abusing people. She screwed me out 1200$ and therefore is a cunt. Need more proof Candance Gosch is a cunt? She even asked me to drive her daughter, Honor Brooke Gosch, home. What kind of mother lets a complete stranger take her daughter home? A cunty mother, that’s who.  My hope is she has a google alert for her name, a complete cunt thing to do, and “Candance Gosch is a cunt” appears in her inbox. I am not in anyway suggesting you do this but if you so feel inclined to call her a cunt you can email Candance Gosch yourself at candy@infamousfilm.com and infamousfilm@gmail.com. Call her at (310) 663-4940. Or write her a letter at 135 Waterview St, Playa Del Rey, CA 90293

In conclusion, Candance Gosch is a cunt.I will write more on the whole experience later but for now this was rather cathartic.

Cake Horn: A Short Story

cakehorn

“It’s ridiculous. People going behind my back. Running their cake horn. Tootin’ that. I am all sorts of upset. You all need to stop talking behind my back,”

“Wait, what?”

“You heard me. I’m heated. Two faced liars out there. Always talking behind my back.  They need to shut their cake horn!”

“Did you say cake horn?”

“Yeah”

“Do you mean cake hole?”

“No, cake horn. You’re eating cake and blowing out of your mouth like a horn.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“I think in this case, yes it is a thing. You’re eating cake on one side of your mouth tootin’ out the other. Two faced liar stuff.”

“Cake horn? Cake. Horn. I cannot believe I am having an argument with a guy who thinks cake horn is real.”

“People are talking about me behind my back and you’re stuck on cake horn? It’s not about cake horn.”

“Yeah. It’s about cake horn. I can’t just drop cake horn.”

“People are talking poo about me behind my back and you want to debate a widely used phrase? Now who’s the one tootin’ their cake horn?”

“You want me to shut my cake horn?”

“Yeah. You need to shut your cake horn.”

“I’ll shut my cake hole.”

“Fine. Shut your cake hole, but I better not hear you tootin’ off or I’ll have to shut that cake horn up for you!”

“I can’t tell if you’re threatening me or suggesting a dessert.”

“I’m suggesting you stop tootin’ that cake horn!”

“Here’s what I picture, okay? A cake horn is like a shoe horn. But for shoving cake down my throat. Is that what it is?”

“Oh that’s rich.”

“Rich chocolate cake?”

“Toot! Toot! I’ve had enough of your cake horn. Shut it.”

“All this cake talk has me hungry.”

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

“Do you even know what that means?”

“Yeah, it means shut your cake horn!”

“….”

My Shark Tank Pitch

shark-tank-Logo-600

Starting a business is difficult. Most do not succeed. But I am not most. I have an idea that is so good that it will make billionaire nerd Bill Gates cum in his pants. Literally.

A Fleshlight app for the iPhone.

In order to make my app idea a reality, I need to secure some VC. And what better way to secure funding than by going onto ABC’s “Shark Tank.”

Next into the Shark Tank is Jeff Sadden with a new twist on a familiar product…

Hello Sharks, my name is Jeff Sadden and I am the founder of iTouchMyself. I am seeking a 500,000 dollar investment for a 5% equity stake in my company. There are over 3 billion men in the world. And all those dudes have one thing in common. They like to jerk it. That is why I invited an iPhone app that lets you fuck your phone. This Fleshlight app for the iPhone will revolutionize the over 18 billion dollar masturbation industry. How it works is that it’s an attachment that plugs into the charging port. You then bring up the App. Select the vagina you want. Stick your dick in. And hit play. The vibration function is already built into your phone so why not utilize it for pleasure. Am I right, Mark Cuban? We currently have licensing agreements with over 40 vagina’s ranging from Jenna Jamison to Goat. I know what you’re thinking sharks, “why didn’t I think of this myself?” Well, you’re in luck because I did think of it and I’m here to let you get a taste of the sweet poontang pie that is iTouchMyself.  So what do you say Sharks, you ready to get fuckin’ rich?

*does jerkoff motion so violently that arm rips off and takes flight*

Jokes by Jeff!

SUC

I have no desire to be a stand up comedian, but that won’t stop me from writing jokes. What will stop me from writing jokes is a lack of talent. And I have plenty of that NOT talent.

What happened to classic names like Michael and Emily? Kids these day have such unique first names. There is this trend now to name your child after where they were conceived. So like, Virginia, Brooklyn and Butt Sex.

I obviously don’t understand sex. I mean look at me. I look like my wardrobe was exclusively made of clothes shot from a t-shirt cannon. Do you think I’m getting laid?

I’m not hip. I like to think I’m down with the kids. The hip-hop. The rapping. I am a big fan of Lil Wayne. I even got a teardrop tattoo. Unfortunately, I got it under the gay eye.

ALT JOKE:  I recently did a stint in the slammer for killing a man. In remembrance, I got a teardrop tattoo. Unfortunately I got it under the gay eye. Really made prison awkward.

It made the showers really awkward. Speaking of showers, my apartment has hard water. After a shower, my skin is so dry it feels like a Steven Wright joke.

There you have it, folks. Jokes by Jeff!