WhoRangtheBell.com

Category: Living the Dream

Total 24 Posts

Candance Gosch Is A Cunt

Candance Gosch is a cunt
Candance Gosch, or Candy as she is sometimes know, is a cunt.

Cunt [kuhnt]: noun Slang: Vulgar. A contemptuous term used to refer to a woman. Or a term used to refer to a contemptible person.

For libel sake, here is my soundproof argument as to why Candance Gosch is cunt-emptible. I was hired by Stage 1901 as a Security PA in May of 2011. I worked there for nearly two months, amassing over 1200$ in wages and only received a fraction of that pay. I ultimately brought her to the Labor Board where the case fell through by a legal loophole of not showing up to court. Seriously, thats all you have to do is not show up and you can screw anyone out of wages. Cunt, Candance Gosch, is the reason Hollywood gets a bad rep for using and abusing people. She screwed me out 1200$ and therefore is a cunt. Need more proof Candance Gosch is a cunt? She even asked me to drive her daughter, Honor Brooke Gosch, home. What kind of mother lets a complete stranger take her daughter home? A cunty mother, that’s who.  My hope is she has a google alert for her name, a complete cunt thing to do, and “Candance Gosch is a cunt” appears in her inbox. I am not in anyway suggesting you do this but if you so feel inclined to call her a cunt you can email Candance Gosch yourself at candy@infamousfilm.com and infamousfilm@gmail.com. Call her at (310) 663-4940. Or write her a letter at 135 Waterview St, Playa Del Rey, CA 90293

In conclusion, Candance Gosch is a cunt.I will write more on the whole experience later but for now this was rather cathartic.

Cake Horn: A Short Story

cakehorn

“It’s ridiculous. People going behind my back. Running their cake horn. Tootin’ that. I am all sorts of upset. You all need to stop talking behind my back,”

“Wait, what?”

“You heard me. I’m heated. Two faced liars out there. Always talking behind my back.  They need to shut their cake horn!”

“Did you say cake horn?”

“Yeah”

“Do you mean cake hole?”

“No, cake horn. You’re eating cake and blowing out of your mouth like a horn.”

“That’s not a thing.”

“I think in this case, yes it is a thing. You’re eating cake on one side of your mouth tootin’ out the other. Two faced liar stuff.”

“Cake horn? Cake. Horn. I cannot believe I am having an argument with a guy who thinks cake horn is real.”

“People are talking about me behind my back and you’re stuck on cake horn? It’s not about cake horn.”

“Yeah. It’s about cake horn. I can’t just drop cake horn.”

“People are talking poo about me behind my back and you want to debate a widely used phrase? Now who’s the one tootin’ their cake horn?”

“You want me to shut my cake horn?”

“Yeah. You need to shut your cake horn.”

“I’ll shut my cake hole.”

“Fine. Shut your cake hole, but I better not hear you tootin’ off or I’ll have to shut that cake horn up for you!”

“I can’t tell if you’re threatening me or suggesting a dessert.”

“I’m suggesting you stop tootin’ that cake horn!”

“Here’s what I picture, okay? A cake horn is like a shoe horn. But for shoving cake down my throat. Is that what it is?”

“Oh that’s rich.”

“Rich chocolate cake?”

“Toot! Toot! I’ve had enough of your cake horn. Shut it.”

“All this cake talk has me hungry.”

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

“Do you even know what that means?”

“Yeah, it means shut your cake horn!”

“….”

My Shark Tank Pitch

shark-tank-Logo-600

Starting a business is difficult. Most do not succeed. But I am not most. I have an idea that is so good that it will make billionaire nerd Bill Gates cum in his pants. Literally.

A Fleshlight app for the iPhone.

In order to make my app idea a reality, I need to secure some VC. And what better way to secure funding than by going onto ABC’s “Shark Tank.”

Next into the Shark Tank is Jeff Sadden with a new twist on a familiar product…

Hello Sharks, my name is Jeff Sadden and I am the founder of iTouchMyself. I am seeking a 500,000 dollar investment for a 5% equity stake in my company. There are over 3 billion men in the world. And all those dudes have one thing in common. They like to jerk it. That is why I invited an iPhone app that lets you fuck your phone. This Fleshlight app for the iPhone will revolutionize the over 18 billion dollar masturbation industry. How it works is that it’s an attachment that plugs into the charging port. You then bring up the App. Select the vagina you want. Stick your dick in. And hit play. The vibration function is already built into your phone so why not utilize it for pleasure. Am I right, Mark Cuban? We currently have licensing agreements with over 40 vagina’s ranging from Jenna Jamison to Goat. I know what you’re thinking sharks, “why didn’t I think of this myself?” Well, you’re in luck because I did think of it and I’m here to let you get a taste of the sweet poontang pie that is iTouchMyself.  So what do you say Sharks, you ready to get fuckin’ rich?

*does jerkoff motion so violently that arm rips off and takes flight*

Jokes by Jeff!

SUC

I have no desire to be a stand up comedian, but that won’t stop me from writing jokes. What will stop me from writing jokes is a lack of talent. And I have plenty of that NOT talent.

What happened to classic names like Michael and Emily? Kids these day have such unique first names. There is this trend now to name your child after where they were conceived. So like, Virginia, Brooklyn and Butt Sex.

I obviously don’t understand sex. I mean look at me. I look like my wardrobe was exclusively made of clothes shot from a t-shirt cannon. Do you think I’m getting laid?

I’m not hip. I like to think I’m down with the kids. The hip-hop. The rapping. I am a big fan of Lil Wayne. I even got a teardrop tattoo. Unfortunately, I got it under the gay eye.

ALT JOKE:  I recently did a stint in the slammer for killing a man. In remembrance, I got a teardrop tattoo. Unfortunately I got it under the gay eye. Really made prison awkward.

It made the showers really awkward. Speaking of showers, my apartment has hard water. After a shower, my skin is so dry it feels like a Steven Wright joke.

There you have it, folks. Jokes by Jeff!

CELEBRITY PERSONAL ASSISTANT – Los Angeles, CA

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Cool job opp for a personal assistant position…

A NON-SMOKING, FASHIONABLE Personal Assistant is needed for a busy, high profile, very down to earth Grammy Award Winning Musician/Actor in the Entertainment Industry. This position requires someone who is business savvy but youthful and has a full understanding of what it takes to be a Personal Assistant to a very busy Celebrity. You should possess a nurturing, compassionate and very personable disposition. Be comfortable as a caregiver with natural instincts; nothing over-bearing, just the basics.

DUTIES INCLUDE, BUT ARE NOT LIMITED TO:

  • Make sure to always know ARTIST whereabouts and movements as necessary.
  • Assist ARTIST in completing all outstanding commitments (press calls, interviews, etc) by not only reminding him of deadlines, but also checking in along the way and updating him of any and all applicable changes necessary for completion.
  • Brief Artist before arriving to any event on all need-to-know information.
  • Handle light administrative tasks including faxing, sending and receiving packages, downloading music, going over e-mails with the Artist and printing out documents for signature as directed by Management.
  • Handle daily personal needs for Artist including all meals, personal shopping, packing for travel, etc. and all errands as requested.
  • Comfortable with coordinating wardrobe ”looks” for daily wear, routine performances and travel. Wardrobe maintenance (dry cleaning, laundry, repairs)
  • Be a willing ear to listen to Artist new creative developments while creating new music projects as well as helping Artist to prepare for movie auditions; including script readings, internet research and shopping for audition wardrobe.
  • MINIMUM 2 years as a Celebrity Personal Assistant or Personal Assistant to a HIGH NET WORTH INDIVIDUAL necessary.

Unfortunately I am not qualified for this as I am a chain smoking slob who is over-bearing, lacks compassion and has no experience with a high net worth individual. But feel free to apply here: JOB-168245-E8@entertainmentcareers.net