Category: TOO LONG; DIDN’T READ
SYRACUSE, NY — After watching a Facebook video posted by his Aunt Janet, claiming to restore your faith in humanity, 32-year-old Steven Dyer is angry that his faith in humanity not restored.
“We’re constantly bombarded with negative news. It’s hard to remain positive,” Steven professed. “My faith in humanity is gone so I click on my Aunt Janet’s video and…”
The video in question is a crudely edited together slide show of twenty-one images of various faith restoring acts set to the docile tones of a public domain song.
“…I only needed 3 images to realize that my faith in humanity would not be restored,” a defeated Steven acknowledged. “Like, sure, sharing a smile with a stranger is sweet but did it make me forget the Rwanda Genocide? Nope. Did that picture of a villager saving kittens during a flood help me through my divorce? Not a chance. Or why didn’t that police officer who gave shoes to a homeless man stop 9/11?”
The lack of faith restoration didn’t stop the video from spreading virally, angering Steven even more. “How virtuous can a video really be that asks you to like subscribe and share? Seriously, watching a motorcyclist helping an elderly lady cross the street did not crowdfund my chemo payments. Humanity is selfish and awful.”
Some serious soul searching will need to be done from Steven’s couch but he does admit that these videos do have some unintended value. “These videos help me see who’s dumb as a bag of rock. Needless to say, I unfriended Aunt Janet.”
RACCOON CITY — Umbrella Corporation (NYSE:ZOMBIE) reported third-quarter profits that devoured Wall Street estimates on the strength of increased demand for their flagship biological weapon “t-Virus” and their new intelligence-enhancing drug “Nemesis Parasite.”
Key results from the report include:
- About 500,000 new prescriptions a week are being written for the “Anti-Virus” for moderate-to-severe Zombiefication, a type of death, with a near 100% of patients refilling their prescriptions.
- Raccoon City Outbreak recovery efforts are well underway at their Hive manufacturing facility with no expected impact on product supply.
- Mergers and acquisitions in almost every imaginable business sector continue to be a key driver in the multinational megacorporations effort for profit diversification. Umbrella recently added the paramilitary force U.S.S. Alpha Team. The black ops unit is tasked with carrying out Umbrella’s most clandestine operations.
- Profit is up despite threat of financial ruin from a DOJ investigation into unethical business practices involving the Raccoon City Destruction Incident that left the city totally destroyed and all 100,000 residents dead.
The ongoing investigation does not have Umbrella CEO Albert Wesker concerned. Talking to investors during the earnings call, Wesker attempted to calm investor’s fears. “A suspension of business decree by the DOJ will not stop Umbrella, or me, from total world domination… The entire world will be infected. A new genesis is at hand and I will be the creator!”
The earnings call got a bit heated between Wesker and a reporter from Reuters. When asked about his unique management style, Wesker quickly sprouted tendrils. Wrapping around several metal shards. Giving the controversial CEO a powerful tentacle appendage to swipe with. Wesker proceeded to kill the Reuters reporter, all the while ranting on about natural selection and his loathing of the human race.
The controversial CEO wrapped up the call by saying, “To be clear, I do not think of myself as a King. No, I am a god! And even Kings bow down to Gods!”
iPhone, 6, of Chicago passed away last Saturday of battery failure. A supporter of the arts, iPhone visited Instagram daily. iPhone participated in many brunch conversations about social issues, often providing answers to difficult questions like “I can’t even” and “It’s 2018, why is this still a thing?” Beloved phone of Madison Michaels. Loving iMessenger to Sexy Bitch Becky, one true love Anthony, and Mom. iPhone is survived by 9 cherished group chats.
At the iPhone’s request there will be no calling hours or service. Friends and Fam will hold a private celebration of iPhone’s life on Facebook. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the Madison’s GoFundMe.
WASHINGTON — For years twitter profiles stated “RTs ≠ endorsements” as matter of fact, but the U.S. Supreme Court today handed down a 5–4 ruling in favor of Retweets equaling endorsements. “After reviewing the constitutional underpinnings of this case, the court finds that Retweets, no matter how out-of-control, bonkers wacky AF they are, do equal endorsements,” Justice Samuel A. Alito wrote in his majority opinion.
The Supreme Court’s landmark decision sent shock waves across America. “Just because I retweet O-Bummer should go back to Kenya, does not necessarily reflect the views of Chad Summers Pool Cleaning,” said Chad Summers of Chad Summers Pool Cleaning. “People need to know that when I retweet Obama was a Muslim, it doesn’t necessary mean I endorse it.” As the sole proprietor of Chad Summers Pool Cleaning, Mr. Summers is concerned people will think Chad Summers Pool Cleaning is racist. “No, Chad Summers Pool Cleaning does not endorse racism despite what the Jewpreme Court says,” he added.
In a dissenting opinion, authored by Clarence Thomas, the Associate Justice argued that “RTs ≠ endorsements” citing the ruling in “Roe v. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” And that trolling without consequences was mandated by the U.S. Constitution.
GREENPOINT – Darla Hood, singer and girlfriend of “He-Man Woman Haters Club” member Alfalfa, has shaken the club to its core with her campaign to persuade the club to admit woman. “I just want to spend more time with the love of my life, Alfalfa.”
“Our membership is single gender just like a Sorority, the Girl Scouts, and countless other clubs across America,” said spokesman and incorrigible little scamp Alfalfa.
Amidst the mounting pressure from the public to allow women members, President Spanky refuses, even doubling down on the rhetoric. “I, Spanky, do solemnly swear to be a he-man and hate women and not play with them or talk to them unless I have to. And especially: never fall in love, and if I do, may I die slowly and painfully and suffer for hours – or until I scream bloody murder.”
“Spanky needs to resign so I can spend more time with my Alfalfa,” said Darla. But even if Spanky were to resign, the club will be handed over to Vice-President Stymie. “The oversized derby hat-wearing Stymie is no saint either,” added Darla. “He’s a slick-tongued con-artist who’s always ready with a sly comment.”
“If she wants to join the “He-Man Woman Haters Club” so bad than why doesn’t she beat a boy in the upcoming Soap Box Derby race?” a furious Froggy yammered.
“Challenge accepted,” a giddy Darla responded.
In a photo finish, the boys lost by a Alfalfa hair.
At press time, a “Women Welcome” sign has been added to the front door of the “He-Man Woman Haters Club.”