WhoRangtheBell

Category: TOO LONG; DIDN’T READ

Total 11 Posts

Motel 6 Declares Bankruptcy After Leaving Lights On Too Long

PICTURED: Cathyulhu rising from the absence of light at Motel 6.
PICTURED: Cathyulhu rising from the absence of light at Motel 6.

WALL STREET – Motel 6, the low budget motel chain, declared bankruptcy today. Plagued by more than $1.2 trillion in electricity bills by leaving the lights on for too long, the board voted 7-1 in favor of filing for chapter 11.

The announcement did not come as a surprise to Wall Street. “Turns out leaving the lights on for you for 40 years is not a solid business strategy,” said one Wall Street Insider. This is not the first time Motel 6 will be dark. The chain experimented with turning the lights off in the 90’s but much like Crystal Pepsi, it went hasta la vista, baby.

The lone no vote on the board belonged to long time spokesman Tom Bodett. “Since 1986, Motel 6 has kept the Cathulhu at bay by keeping the lights on.” Adding, “the lights, my god the lights! You mustn’t turn the lights off. That is when the Cathulhu comes to take your soul.” Bodett continued, “you fools! You have no idea what you have done. You have doomed all of humanity! The Cathulhu will kill us all!” Moments later Bodett jumped through the window, plummeting 30 floors.

Motel 6 was named after its founder Steve Motel the 6th. An oilman by trade was tired of overpaying for places to cheat on his wife. His wife Cathy discovered Steve’s indiscretions and murdered him and took her own life. “Some say Cathy still haunts Motel 6 looking for souls. And that is why the lights we’re kept on. But honestly, I don’t believe in ghost stories” said the Wall Street Insider as his face was ripped off by Cathulhu.

War On Christmas Intensifies As Starbucks Beheads Elf On A Shelf

deadelf_tldr
PICTURED: Disgusting display of savagery by the Baristas at Starbucks.

SEATTLE, WA — The War on Christmas has been cold brewing for years at Starbucks. It started with the removal of all Christmas references from cups but now the war has turned hotter than an Espresso. In a chilling App update, Starbucks sent a push notification to customers showing a grainy video of the beloved Elf on a Shelf being beheaded. In the graphic video, the yet to be named elf, is forced to denounce Christmas, Santa Claus and Coffee Bean. A barista yells, “Allah-latte Frap-ba” before sawing off the head of the Elf on the Shelf.

Since 2005, the Elf on the Shelf has been a long-standing Christmas tradition entertaining generations upon generations of families. Asked for comment, local parent Barry Pufal said, “Does this mean I won’t have to move that stupid elf tonight?”

“I am calling on all Christians to retaliate,” said defacto Christian spokesman Donald Trump. “Buy your Starbucks but instead of giving your Christian name, tell the Barista your name is ‘Merry Trumpmas.’ That’ll really rile up the libtards.”

In response, CEO Howard Schultz announced, “Starbucks will now pour the coffee directly into our customers hands.”

Hollywood Walk Of Fame To Dedicate Gutter To Paris Hilton

PICTURED: Hollywood trash.
PICTURED: Hollywood trash.

HOLLYWOOD, CA — The next time you’re taking a stroll on Hollywood Boulevard, head west past the world famous Madame Tussauds, past the world famous Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, and even past the world famous Hooters. Keep going till you think you’ve gone too far and you’re questioning your life choices. That is when you will see it, Paris Hilton’s gutter.

“Getting a gutter on Hollywood’s Walk of Fame is one of the biggest honors of my 15 minutes of fame,” Paris Hilton wrote in an Instagram post, adding, “That’s hot!”

In a press release, Maureen Schultz, Chair of the Hollywood Chamber of Commerce — Gutter Division stated, “Mrs. Hilton will be a great addition to the Walk of Fame for both fans of Hollywood Trash and the Hollywood trash her $40,000 initiation fee will clean up.”

Mighty Oak Tree Sprouts From Man’s Grave Proving He’s Full Of Shit

PICTURED: The Tree After Three Days Of Dave Unger’s bullshit.
PICTURED: The Tree After Three Days Of Dave Unger’s bullshit.

ROCHESTER, NY — Earlier this year Dave Unger passed away from colon cancer. He was laid to rest at Mt. Hope Cemetery. But within hours of burying Unger, caretakers noticed an oak sapling sprouting from the burial plot.

“I’m not surprised,” lamented Unger’s son Jay, “my father was so full of shit that of course he’s acting like fertilizer.” The oak tree quickly grew from 3 inches to 30 feet. Cemetery caretaker and stuff of nightmares, Old Man Marley, called it a “miracle.” But Jay Unger disagrees, “The only miracle here is my father’s bullshit is acting like Miracle-Gro.”

As of publication, the mighty oak tree has grown to over 170 feet tall.

CNN’s Interactive Election Map Reveals Year Long Love Affair With John King

 

“Come on baby, show me your polling data.”
“Come on baby, show me your polling data.”

ATLANTA, GA — CNN’s Interactive Election Map has dropped a bombshell. No, not Donald Trump winning the Presidential Election rather the Interactive Election Map has been having an affair with CNN’s Chief National Correspondent John King.

“I love his hair and his eyes and pretty much everything is sexy about him. He’s very delicious. I love the way he points at me,” gushed the interactive map. “John is so spicy. Just the way he cares about the results in North Dakota. Not even North Dakota cares about North Dakota. Muy caliente!”

We reached out to King’s rep about the affair and are awaiting word back.