Obituary: iPhone, 6, dead.

"Autopsy reveals iPhone died of cardiac battery failure."
“Autopsy reveals iPhone died of cardiac battery failure.”

iPhone, 6, of Chicago passed away last Saturday of battery failure. A supporter of the arts, iPhone visited Instagram daily. iPhone participated in many brunch conversations about social issues, often providing answers to difficult questions like “I can’t even” and “It’s 2018, why is this still a thing?” Beloved phone of Madison Michaels. Loving iMessenger to Sexy Bitch Becky, one true love Anthony, and Mom. iPhone is survived by 9 cherished group chats.

At the iPhone’s request there will be no calling hours or service. Friends and Fam will hold a private celebration of iPhone’s life on Facebook. In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to the Madison’s GoFundMe.

I always assume the double play.