RACCOON CITY — Umbrella Corporation (NYSE:ZOMBIE) reported third-quarter profits that devoured Wall Street estimates on the strength of increased demand for their flagship biological weapon “t-Virus” and their new intelligence-enhancing drug “Nemesis Parasite.”
Key results from the report include:
- About 500,000 new prescriptions a week are being written for the “Anti-Virus” for moderate-to-severe Zombiefication, a type of death, with a near 100% of patients refilling their prescriptions.
- Raccoon City Outbreak recovery efforts are well underway at their Hive manufacturing facility with no expected impact on product supply.
- Mergers and acquisitions in almost every imaginable business sector continue to be a key driver in the multinational megacorporations effort for profit diversification. Umbrella recently added the paramilitary force U.S.S. Alpha Team. The black ops unit is tasked with carrying out Umbrella’s most clandestine operations.
- Profit is up despite threat of financial ruin from a DOJ investigation into unethical business practices involving the Raccoon City Destruction Incident that left the city totally destroyed and all 100,000 residents dead.
The ongoing investigation does not have Umbrella CEO Albert Wesker concerned. Talking to investors during the earnings call, Wesker attempted to calm investor’s fears. “A suspension of business decree by the DOJ will not stop Umbrella, or me, from total world domination… The entire world will be infected. A new genesis is at hand and I will be the creator!”
The earnings call got a bit heated between Wesker and a reporter from Reuters. When asked about his unique management style, Wesker quickly sprouted tendrils. Wrapping around several metal shards. Giving the controversial CEO a powerful tentacle appendage to swipe with. Wesker proceeded to kill the Reuters reporter, all the while ranting on about natural selection and his loathing of the human race.
The controversial CEO wrapped up the call by saying, “To be clear, I do not think of myself as a King. No, I am a god! And even Kings bow down to Gods!”