Starting a business is difficult. Most do not succeed. But I am not most. I have an idea that is so good that it will make billionaire nerd Bill Gates cum in his pants. Literally.
A Fleshlight app for the iPhone.
In order to make my app idea a reality, I need to secure some VC. And what better way to secure funding than by going onto ABC’s “Shark Tank.”
Next into the Shark Tank is Jeff Sadden with a new twist on a familiar product…
Hello Sharks, my name is Jeff Sadden and I am the founder of iTouchMyself. I am seeking a 500,000 dollar investment for a 5% equity stake in my company. There are over 3 billion men in the world. And all those dudes have one thing in common. They like to jerk it. That is why I invited an iPhone app that lets you fuck your phone. This Fleshlight app for the iPhone will revolutionize the over 18 billion dollar masturbation industry. How it works is that it’s an attachment that plugs into the charging port. You then bring up the App. Select the vagina you want. Stick your dick in. And hit play. The vibration function is already built into your phone so why not utilize it for pleasure. Am I right, Mark Cuban? We currently have licensing agreements with over 40 vagina’s ranging from Jenna Jamison to Goat. I know what you’re thinking sharks, “why didn’t I think of this myself?” Well, you’re in luck because I did think of it and I’m here to let you get a taste of the sweet poontang pie that is iTouchMyself. So what do you say Sharks, you ready to get fuckin’ rich?
*does jerkoff motion so violently that arm rips off and takes flight*
I have been wanting to dabble in the stock market for awhile now. Not entirely sure how to go about it, I found a user friendly entry point with the website Motif.com. Motif allows you to build your own Exchange-Traded Funds (ETF). I invested a decent amount on a couple of Motif.com created ETF’s. But for my own ego, I need to see if I could pick and build my own ETF’s and invest in them. So I built “The Wolf Of Wall Street”. I picked companies that I know and care about. Weighted it how I felt it would perfomr best and dumped some money into. After a few months and some modest gains, I cashed out. I came out on top and that’s all that matters. Rule No. 1 : Never lose money. I took my gains and have reinvested in other Motifs. My tolerance of risk is rather high right now since I feel as I have some time to recover before I need the cash back. I have embedded the motif below for you to check out.
You can buy this ETF if you so desire, I even get a kickback if you do, but be careful… The first rule is a bit different if you listen to Mark Hanna, Matthew McConaughey’s Character in The Wolf Of Wall Street. ”OK, first rule of Wall Street – Nobody – and I don’t care if you’re Warren Buffet or Jimmy Buffet – nobody knows if a stock’s going up, down or f-ing sideways, least of all stockbrokers. But we have to pretend we know.” Basically, past performance does not guarantee future success, invest at your own risk.